he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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