I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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