I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
