First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
