There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
