Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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