he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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