recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
