I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
