Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
