I'd wear matching sweaters with you
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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