She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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