Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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