dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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