and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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