The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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