I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize