I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
