I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
