____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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