she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
