I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
