I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
