Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
