I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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