I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
