everyone is single if you try hard enough
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
