I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
