I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
