Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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