You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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