I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
