Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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