I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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