Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
