i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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