They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
