I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
