My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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