oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
