I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I got her a Nickelback box set.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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