Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
