I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
