just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
