Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
