Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
