when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
