I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
