There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
