just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
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She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
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Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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