i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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