Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
