Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
