I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize