If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
