every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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