thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
