If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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